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Monday, October 10, 2016

Treadmills

I was planning to write about prepping a garden pumpkin for freezing, or something more profound about the pointlessness of unnecessary pain...but I'm not really feeling either of those topics today. I'm rather tired, and thinking about all the things I need to do before next week, and the week after, and so on.

Two big  things on my mind are a conference that I get to go to for work in two weeks - which is also the same week as a 5k run I am planning on doing. The two things don't conflict, it's just that they are more things I need to plan backwards for.

I'm really excited about the conference, partially because of the topic - international credential evaluation! whoo! I'm a dork - but the 5k is bringing up all sorts of complicated feels about being on a treadmill that keeps going around and around in circles.

Circles that are not as adorable as this baby.
This 5k was something I first did in a year I refer to as The Year of Good Health. It was a time when a friend of mine decided to work on losing weight and getting more physically fit, and somehow I went along with her. And for six months things were great: weight loss, daily walks and runs and Pilates sessions. I even went to the gym regularly. But then, things came up. Dissertation, work, marriages, and then it was the first 5k date and it had been two months since I had tried to run. I did the race, but I mostly walked, and it wasn't the triumph I hoped for.

And then, of course, the weight I'd lost came back on.

The same thing the next year.
And the next.
The fourth time, I had a vaguely-legitimate excuse in that I had sprained my calf muscle, so running? Running was not going to happen.

But it's another year, and I didn't train. And while the same excuses of writing, and marriage, and work are there, I still feel rather let-down by myself. I don't want this to keep happening. I want to be better, and actually meet the goals I've been planning for.

Last week was another week with good intentions. And little accomplished.
This is seriously getting old. Even my fussing about goals is getting repetitive now! There really isn't much  point in fussing about it over and over. I just have to actually try to get these done, and try it again. Because this time, maybe it will be good!

And here we go again!

Friday, September 30, 2016

Beginnings at the End

Early morning, move-in time.
A friend asked me the other day if I was still blogging. I haven't been. I've been very busy, but haven't been doing anything that I wanted to blog about, because I couldn't figure out how I was feeling about different events.

The biggest one is that my residents came back. In what I persist in thinking of as my 'night job' - even though it consumes most of the day and night - I live in a college dorm and...it's hard to describe what I do. Crisis counselor, editor, financial manager, friendly shoulder, school principal, social justice warrior. It's a job I love. Unfortunately, even though it's easily the most satisfying and enjoyable work I have ever done, it's unlikely to turn in to a full-time career. This reality has made this move-in time pretty painful, actually, because I'm caught between wanting to throw myself in to it with the enthusiasm it deserves, and trying to hold something back so I can be ready when a real career opportunity presents itself.

I have been trying to remember to look to the sky.
In my 'day job ' I've gotten the chance to change my focus, which has been re-invigorating, even if the tasks themselves are rather dull at this point. I think it's okay to admit that - all my colleagues acknowledge that once you've gotten over the learning curve, it's just a matter of processing for hours and hours, with a few bright spots of international mysteries.

(Or maybe that last bit is just my own geekiness.)

As well as the misfortune of wondering if I will be able to continue the part of my work that I love, I'm also still mourning the fact I had to drop the certificate course I was hoping to add to my resume. There just wasn't time in there for me to put the work in to it - not if I wanted to be able to do my two jobs, eat, sleep, bathe, and oh yes - write.

So I let it go.

I found this tree in an unexpected garden in the city. I sat here for an hour.
I feel rather at loose ends, though. I was working on that certificate as a way to have something new to be working on in my life. I've been trying to change my career direction for two years with very limited success, so I thought I should turn my focus to something else. But I was caught in a bind: in order to have the resources to change my fate, I had to keep maintaining the situation I was in. But there wasn't enough time or resources to make changes while trying to maintain the basics of the status quo.

Things are stable right now, of course. I have two jobs. My wife has two jobs. They are good jobs. I have a reason to do things I enjoy, like baking and sewing, and even enough time to try to do the things I have always thought I would be good at, like writing. I can find the moments to write resumes and cover letters and keep trying to find a job that will be a good career, at the same time as working with what I have. There are possibilities.

So I'm dusting myself off, and starting again. I'm trying to remember that the leaves change color at the end of the season to make way for what's next...nothing ever really ends; it just starts a new direction.