Friday, September 30, 2016

Beginnings at the End

Early morning, move-in time.
A friend asked me the other day if I was still blogging. I haven't been. I've been very busy, but haven't been doing anything that I wanted to blog about, because I couldn't figure out how I was feeling about different events.

The biggest one is that my residents came back. In what I persist in thinking of as my 'night job' - even though it consumes most of the day and night - I live in a college dorm's hard to describe what I do. Crisis counselor, editor, financial manager, friendly shoulder, school principal, social justice warrior. It's a job I love. Unfortunately, even though it's easily the most satisfying and enjoyable work I have ever done, it's unlikely to turn in to a full-time career. This reality has made this move-in time pretty painful, actually, because I'm caught between wanting to throw myself in to it with the enthusiasm it deserves, and trying to hold something back so I can be ready when a real career opportunity presents itself.

I have been trying to remember to look to the sky.
In my 'day job ' I've gotten the chance to change my focus, which has been re-invigorating, even if the tasks themselves are rather dull at this point. I think it's okay to admit that - all my colleagues acknowledge that once you've gotten over the learning curve, it's just a matter of processing for hours and hours, with a few bright spots of international mysteries.

(Or maybe that last bit is just my own geekiness.)

As well as the misfortune of wondering if I will be able to continue the part of my work that I love, I'm also still mourning the fact I had to drop the certificate course I was hoping to add to my resume. There just wasn't time in there for me to put the work in to it - not if I wanted to be able to do my two jobs, eat, sleep, bathe, and oh yes - write.

So I let it go.

I found this tree in an unexpected garden in the city. I sat here for an hour.
I feel rather at loose ends, though. I was working on that certificate as a way to have something new to be working on in my life. I've been trying to change my career direction for two years with very limited success, so I thought I should turn my focus to something else. But I was caught in a bind: in order to have the resources to change my fate, I had to keep maintaining the situation I was in. But there wasn't enough time or resources to make changes while trying to maintain the basics of the status quo.

Things are stable right now, of course. I have two jobs. My wife has two jobs. They are good jobs. I have a reason to do things I enjoy, like baking and sewing, and even enough time to try to do the things I have always thought I would be good at, like writing. I can find the moments to write resumes and cover letters and keep trying to find a job that will be a good career, at the same time as working with what I have. There are possibilities.

So I'm dusting myself off, and starting again. I'm trying to remember that the leaves change color at the end of the season to make way for what's next...nothing ever really ends; it just starts a new direction.

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