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Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Arrogance is My Half-Best

Here is something I learned today: boutique eyeshadow stays on so much better than drugstore brands!

My mascara held up pretty well, too.

I had the misfortune of learning this because of being called on the carpet to my supervisor. I had indeed made mistakes, some of which have consequences beyond time delays, and I definitely deserved being called on it. I wasn't crying over that, although I was extremely humiliated.

What had me crying was why she thought I had made these mistakes and gotten behind. It wasn't the reason she thought, that everyone thoughts - that I have too many 'distractions' or 'responsibilities' or too many jobs. No. It's never that.

It's that I am depressed. Period. I have depression, I have anxiety, it makes coping difficult and in fact nearly impossible. On a day to day basis I have to deal with my brain fog, my fear of failure, the physical pain that my mind induces. Every moment of my life is dealing with that.

It's much better than it was, of course. My psychiatric medication - old-school Prozac! - has been a downright miracle. Instead of two hours lying in paralyzing apathy in the morning, it's 45 minutes. Instead of six hours of distraction time on the internet, trying to shut my brain down, it's two. Half of my house is tidy and neat, and I only have to re-wear the same pair of leggings twice before they get washed, instead of two weeks.

But I'm still depressed.

More than that, I have the bad habits that have been instilled by depression, the avoidance and the fear and the desperate belief that things will either work out okay or be complete life-ending disasters, so there isn't much point in putting forward any effort.

And I've told people I am depressed. I have been working on this problem and fighting through it. I had had to take time off work because of it, and I have been as clear as I can be about the situation. I wish I had kept my mouth shut. What's the point of admitting these kinds of weaknesses when there isn't support for it?

This kind of stigma - the "it's no big deal, it shouldn't be a factor" assumption - is the one I find most difficult to deal with. I could stand up more to the overt things, like being called crazy or being dismissed, but this is a lot more insidious. It's these kinds of things that makes taking time off for my appointments difficult, and hard to make myself push forward and take care of myself to be able to actually FUNCTION.

I think what I wish more than anything is that people gave me credit for the amount I am functioning. This is bad - but six months ago it was worse. A year ago I was nearly suicidal. The fact I am showing up to work and doing most of the things, it should be more recognized!

I am ill. I am doing my best. But sometimes the best isn't good enough.

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